Yellow Wallpaper - 10/9/2002
The idea that sometimes things just don't work out as you want them to, isn't the greatest thing in the world to have happen to you. It can be something that's actually really hard to deal with. I don't know what I’ve done in my life, and I don't understand all the problems that I've caused. I care a lot for people, and I try hard to be what they want, not myself. And in the process of doing so, I've hurt a lot of people, I believe. That's not a good thing - that is for sure. It's not easy to be someone who has gone for so long trying NOT to hurt someone to being the one who is causing another person pain. It really hurts me when I hurt someone - especially really emotionally. And here lately, I've done a lot of hurting - for myself, and for other people. That's not a good thing either. The fact that I try to take on way more than I can possibly handle is not a good thing. The fact that I am a perfectionist is not a good thing. I don't understand why I do the things that I do. I don't really know why these things seem to have a fantastic way of working out for me. I am not sure if I will ever really understand either. I mean, I think too much as it is. If I sit around and ponder all the profound questions in the world, I might just think myself into insanity. It's like the story "The Yellow Wallpaper". I forget who wrote it, and am too lazy to get up to go look, but anyone who had to take any literature in college probably had to read it at some point. For some reason that story truly spoke to me. It was so wild. It was about this woman who was, as it seemed, going thru a post-partum/depression. They locked her in her bedroom for most all of the day and she was there all the time. As time went on she began to look at the wallpaper and she'd think about it all the time, until she was convinced some woman was trapped in the paper and couldn't get out. And one day she started to rip the paper down - to free the woman. It was a weird story - that's for sure, but not very long (for the non-fans of reading). There's always a bright side, right? Anyway, I had to write this whole paper on a story and I picked that one. I actually did a really good job on the paper. But my take on it was that the woman wasn't insane and the paper didn't drive her insane, but because she had nothing to do all the time, all she had to do was think... She started to think until she'd convinced herself of things, because she just was trapped with herself 24 hours a day, and the woman she thought was in the paper was really herself. When you have nothing else to do but think - your own brain will drive you crazy. I truly do believe that. That is a fear I have for myself. That I will drive myself crazy. That's a weird fear to have too. What is that saying...idle hands are the devil's workshop...? I have 100,000 quotes and semi-mantras to give inspiration to others. Sometimes it's hard for me to inspire myself, but sometimes I actually am capable of doing it. Sometimes I just think I'm the strangest person in the world.
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