Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts (really)                           - 10/10/2002

I'm not sure where to begin, because I don't know where I'm leaving off really.  My thoughts go quickly...they flow fast...they are often random, rambling and in no certain order.  one thing leads to another.  I sometimes have the most horrible thoughts too. Sometimes I think that there is no way that I think the things I do.  Sometimes things on TV just freak me out.  Sometimes I feel so weird, I freak myself out - and that's not a good thing to do.  Sometimes I get paranoid, and I just don't know what's going on.  sometimes I jump to conclusions without knowing the full story.  I assume stuff too much, and I know that I do.

i have realized a lot about myself here lately, and I've realized that despite my best efforts not to be the one to cause some of the problems in my relationship - it was definitely partially my fault.  I can't deny that I have my own quirks that I have to work out.  There are times when I don't understand myself or my feelings, and sometimes I don't even feel like I really feel anything.  I think I'm genuinely a nice person.  I do try to do unto others...sometimes I just let the most idiotic things get a hold of me, and then I do something really stupid... and then I don't know what in the world is going on.

But I guess that's okay.  you never know what tomorrow brings, I guess.  Maybe I'm normal after all.

I just try to do the best I can, but sometimes I get sidetracked.  And sometimes I try to offset my bad karma with good karma but I don't know if it works that way.  I don't know how that karma thing works, though I do believe that it happens.  Then again sometimes I think I might believe in reincarnation.  But that doesn't work with Christianity, does it?  Then again, I read all these books and they just fill my head with the most stupid thoughts in the world. 

So, my good deed for the day has been to buy condolence cards for my boss whose ex-husband is dying.  They were supposed to take him off life support yesterday… I think I might buy some flowers too… Double good karma…. 

Thankful... I'm thankful for a lot of things that happened internally to me throughout the process of the past few weeks... I am really thankful for the internal transformation and the self-confidence I somehow got out of it--however crazy it might sound.  There was a time when I was really unhappy but then I did some realizing.  And then I was also blaming someone else for my problems when I could not blame that person really.  As my mother said when we broke up, one of the many times we do, "now you can't blame him if you don't do something" and that was true.  And then there came the point when I realized that is exactly what I was doing, and I wanted to work it out.  I keep saying I feel like he doesn't want to try and he says, do you have to try so hard?  meaning, why is it so hard - why should we have to try, it should just work.  There are a lot of reasons why that is true.  We are very compatible, in a lot of ways, and that's the truth.  

There have been times when we've struggled, but I think a lot of the problems were in my head, and not in reality.  It's so strange to me to be admitting something like that.  But that's how this works, I guess...

It doesn't matter how many bones I buy my freaked out dogs, they still seem to want to chew on my shoes... that really pisses me off...

there are so many websites that I am going to visit to post more things on the front page of the diary...i think that it's going to be kind of neat...at least I am hoping that it will... who knows?? I want to know how to do all the cool stuff that other people have on their diaries.  I am interested in knowing more about all of this stuff... it's so strange to me... and there are other things that are strange to me...

seinfeld is probably the most realistic show there ever has been, but then again, that is just my opinion... even though crazy things happened, there are crazy things that happen every single day in the real world.  the fact that it was often about nothing, but about something really makes me think that it's probably the best comedy show ever... I have laughed until I almost peed on myself watching that show.  even now, I just love to watch the reruns of the show and I have almost 10 tapes full of reruns that I've recorded...  I'd love to be able to just find the set of all of the episodes, like for the first season.. I've seen the sopranos..I've seen sex and the city..I've seen FRIENDS, but I haven't seen SEINFELD yet.  And you just really have to love that show.  I can't think of anyone who has ever watched it who doesn't like it, but I would bet there is at least one person in the world who likes that show.