Starting Over

Written October 9, 2002

Starting Over                                      - 10/9/2002

I'm going to try to start anew today, and hopefully I will be able to do just that.  I am hoping that by starting a new diary I can actually write what I feel without worrying about what someone who knows me might think of me. 

There are a lot of things about myself that I have not liked for a long time, and I am now and have been trying to get a handle on those things.  There have been obstacles in my path which seemed to me to be preventing me from actually getting on with what I needed to do.  People, actually, who were standing in my way. 

While I am not perfect by any means, I know that I am not the most awful person in the world either.  I try to do good and I try not to hurt people.  I try to be nice and make everyone's day a little bit brighter somehow.  And I go about my own business, really trying not to stir up any trouble; however, it's not as easy as one might thing sometimes.  I don't intend on bringing drama into my life, but somehow it always manages to show up, just when I don't want it or need it. 

Some of the things that happen, I believe are indeed self-inflicted.  I also think that I think way too much, and I think myself into a frenzy, a panic, or something of the sort when the real issue is really nothing at all.  There are things that I haven't been able to be honest about in my life and carrying around the guilt- not feeling right about it, just hurts me so much sometimes, and I take it out on the wrong people at the wrong time sometimes. 

I am not perfect.  I'm human.  I make mistakes just like everyone else in the world.  I get up everyday, hoping that today will be a little better than the one before in some small way.  I get up and try to face the world- just like everyone else.  So I don't quite understand why I feel so different sometimes.  I don't quite understand why I want to be more than I can possibly ever be.  I want to understand why in the world I don't understand things.  I know that you have to have faith.  I understand that.  I truly do.  I know that sometimes what goes around does indeed come around.  I understand that I eventually will reap what I have sewn. I do try so hard to be a good person though. 

Sometimes I just don't understand why things like this happen to me, but I know that it's all because I'm probably just really crazy or something.  I don't think I am, because from what I hear, if you think you're insane then that's one thing that makes you sane.  Of course nobody who is actually insane would ever think they were. I know that for a fact.  Those types of people don't think anything is wrong with them.  That is wild.  It's actually normal people who feel so strange, I guess.  It's actually normal people who always think they're somehow different from everyone else.  If you don't question yourself, if you don't dig deeper, if you don't try to understand what makes you tick, what inspires you, what really makes you feel alive, what you really want, what you really feel - if you don't do that then there is something wrong with you probably; because those types of people don't change or grow.  Those are the types of people who only change/think/grow when something happens to them.  When some event happens.  Something that really disrupts their lives.  Something that makes them feel something. 

It's so strange how life sometimes works out.  I don't understand anything about it really.  I question everything about myself to the point of completely second-guessing myself.  At one time I thought I wanted something that it turned out I really did not want.  Because I constantly second-guessed myself.  If only I'd listened to my heart instead of my idiot head.