Crazy, Crazy, Crazy

Crazy, Crazy...                                    - 10/9/2002

I feel completely horrible for what I’ve done.  I feel like my conscious can't take it anymore, but then I remember that if I do say something I’m going to lose someone I love very much.  That makes me so freaking angry sometime...  I don't want to lose him.  I try to remember those people who say, if you tell that will only make you feel better but the other person feel worse. And I don't want to make anything worse; I want to make it better.  I understand what I've done is so very wrong, and I am not the best person in the world. 

But at the same time, gees, I didn't really do anything THAT horrible.  I didn't kill anyone though.  I sometimes can't quite understand the things that (A) said what he said about me.  All of the things I read on his diary sometimes just - I just didn't know what to say. 

Sometimes I thought it could work, but (A) is a real - chameleon.  He says what you want to hear, and he acts how he thinks he's coming off to you, but in real life it just doesn't work out like that. He’s not what he seems on this OD thing.  That really is the truth.  He comes on here, to more or less, publicly gain sympathy for something that is not exactly as he described it.  Yeah, I knew his feelings for me, and yeah, I told him I felt something, but I never said anything more than that.  He heard what he wanted to hear, and he knows that inside.  It really pisses me the fuck off that he just goes around saying shit like that to get people to agree with him, but he's not telling the whole story ever and he fucking knows it.   He jades what really happened by pointing at me for everything.  As if I’m the most horrible, cold-hearted bitch in the world, and I know I’m not. 

I just don't quite understand that crazy motherfucker.  I am really telling the truth.  He never ever said anything that he did during all of this.  Yeah, he would say when he would just scream at me, but he would just throw these horrible tantrums sometimes.  I mean, he would guilt trip me, and I was just like... arg...

I don't know.  I did care and I was confused, and I believed him, but I never felt right, and I know he knew it.  I am sure he felt it.  He did know it.  I tried to make him feel better, but it never worked like I thought it was going to work.  I am not in-love with him.  He just has to know that and understand that.  Yeah, there were times when I thought there were overwhelming feelings, but now, I think they were just a mirage. 

I was seeing him as I saw him in my head, simply because of how we met -- online.  My God, people do not realize how different it is sometimes when you meet someone you met this way.  It is so strange.  If you've never done it, then you'll never understand, but if you have, then you will.  It's never the same, and usually it's not going to work.  When you're face to face with someone, you can't fake anything.

 And he really did break down to me sometimes, and I felt, just, compelled to try to make him feel better.  I swear, it really got on my nerves. In some ways it was worse the BF.  I was so fucking pissed off too a lot of the time.   (A) had me fucking stressed out like you wouldn't believe so much of the time with the things he'd say to me. Nobody on this freaking OD knows this shit, but of course he's not going to say it and I'm really not going to say it under a name where I know he's going to look and read.  He says he won't but I certainly know better than that.  I am done with this shit, as far as he's concerned.  He really scared me sometimes and I knew that there were times when he would get really depressed.  He did have horrible mood swings and it would just get on my nerves.  It was worse than anything else. I was just drained from having to deal with him.  Yes, I wanted someone to talk to, but I obviously got in over my head.  The more I tried to stop it, he kept on, and I was just an idiot to even get involved in all his crap.  I knew what he was dealing with a long time ago, and that's why we didn't talk for a while, and you know, it's okay if we don't ever talk again.  Perhaps we will, perhaps we won't.  There’s really no telling and sometimes I think I don't even really care all that much if we do.  I mean, sure I did care, but the more I think about it, I was really just not in the position to be talking to someone like him.  I mean, he's just too intense for me, especially right now.  I trusted him as a friend and he used that stuff against me, and I know it.  I knew he would, and he said he wouldn't but I shouldn't have trusted him.  He kept on saying that shit about how I should trust him, but now that I think about it, he was just using some sort of mind manipulation to get what he wanted.  I really can't stand him anymore for that, though I do hope all of the best for him. 

At some point, he'll be happy, but I’m not going to have to deal with that crap anymore, and that's good, actually, even though I do miss him terribly sometimes.