Extremely Ineffective Daily Affirmations

Extremely Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.  But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?


Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...  I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step, blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door,  I will pretend I am  not home.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

No way will I accept YES for an answer!

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

How to Know if You are a True Mississippian

How to tell if you are a true Mississippian:

1.     Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2.     "Vacation" means going to a family reunion.
3.     You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4.     You measure distance in minutes.
5.     You know several people who have hit a deer.
6.     Your school classes were canceled because the weather was too cold.
7.     Your school classes were canceled because the weather was too hot.
8.     You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9.     You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
10.     Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
11.     Stores don't have carts; they have buggies.
12.     You know if another Mississippian is from South, Middle or North Mississippi as soon as they open their mouth.
13.     You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it.
14.     You use "fix" as a verb." Example: I'm fixing to go to the store.
15.     All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, a vegetable or animal.
16.     You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors Unlocked.
17.    You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer and Chicken.
18.    You carry jumper cables in your car...for your own car.
19.    You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
20.    You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
21.    A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or cola. It is "COKE," regardless of what flavor it is.
22.    Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "goin' da' Wally World."
23.    The local paper covers national news on one page, and requires six pages for sports.
24.    You think deer season is a national holiday.
25.    You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
26.    You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
27.    You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
28.    You actually get these jokes.

* I can totally related to #27. It is so very HOT in the South this year!!