Lately (as written in 2002, lol)

Written October 9, 2002.

Lately...                                          - 10/9/2002

There is no real way to explain everything that has happened here lately.

I feel incredibly guilty over what I’ve done to the BF, and it truly hurts me.  I don't quite understand why I did those things, but I did. And then I hurt the other guy and that's not a good thing either.  It’s like I’m just setting myself up for bad karma.  That’s not a good thing.  I mean, it's just not.  Karma does come back to bite you on the ass, and I am truly not looking forward to getting that bite.  But then sometimes I think that maybe my actions were as a result of some bad karma that someone else might have built up themselves.  Sometimes we do get paid back and we don't even really know it.  Everything happens for a reason.  That is the only mantra that I will stand by forever.  Even when there seems to be no explanation, there always is one.  Sometimes it's just not in the blueprint of your life.  Sometimes you have to understand that there is someone else in control of your life.  Of course, I don't mean a human being, but a spiritual being.  Sometimes it's hard to really have the faith that we, as people, need to have.  Sometimes when things get bad, I certainly am guilty of not having any faith in anything, least of all myself.  There are times when I just would like to run as fast as I could from all of the problems that I seem to have in my life -- until I realize the problem is me and not anyone else.  There is nobody to blame for what I’ve done.  There is nobody left to blame.  Everyone else would disagree with me.  They’ve seen what I’ve endured; they've seen the pain I’ve gone through.  They think that other people are to blame and I’m not totally to blame.  I can't deny the fact that I’m not the best person in the world, there is no doubt about that. 

I’ve realized a lot of things here lately and those realizations are not easily dealt with.

I realized that I cause a lot of my own problems because of my own head - my own crazy, over-thinking head.  No, I’m not really crazy.  I’m actually very normal, very nice, and very friendly, funny and charming.  I am a bit above average, if you ask me, but who isn't supposed to think that about themselves? 

I think that I’ve realized that no matter how hard you try, you can't be whatever someone else wants you to be, especially if you don't really FEEL it in your heart.  It’s hard to live up to expectations that you really don't "want" to live up to.  It’s really hard to do that.  It’s hard to be someone you don't want to be for a long time for someone you realize you don't really like.

there are times when I don't really know why I would risk what I did, for the person I did, and though I know there was indeed some reason for it, hopefully it was to bring my BF and I closer.  He’s done so much to push me away for so long, that I’ve just drove me insane completely. 

There is no understanding all of the feelings that I have for my BF.  I mean, the more I think about it, the more I realize there were so many things that I did wrong, and that really did hurt me.  And it still does.  I am going to try to make the best of things, and I hope that things will work out.  I really blew a lot of things out of proportion when it came to him.  I mean if it had only been the drinking then I could understand, but there were some other issues that I never really felt confident about.  There were some other things that had happened, some things with his ex-girlfriend that really did hurt me.  And he would defend her.  He never seemed to want to defend me when it came to anything.  I loved him, and I did adore him.  I tried my best to be everything that he wanted, and then eventually, I grew a bit tired and I just shouldn't have given up, and now I am glad to have another chance because I really want to make this work, and I really think that it can.  He seems to be happy and that really makes me feel good.  I love him so much, and I want to be with him and I want him to be with me *and I want us to be happy*.  I know that is dependent upon so much other stuff, but... oh well...  I guess you never really know what in the world might happen.

I am hoping that things will be okay.  I am hoping that things will fall into place as they are supposed to, but I want to be with my BF very much.  I want this to work.  I want to make things work, and as far as I can tell, we do get along good actually.  I have learned not to be so jealous.  I've learned not to be so angry all the time.  I've learned not to take my anger out on him.  I've also learned to try to talk about things that are bothering me rather than holding them inside.  The pain I felt always came out as anger and I would lash out at him for the stupidest things.  I love him more than anything, and I really am hoping that things will work out.  I mean, we've been together a long time.  Sure, we've had problems, but I am hoping us getting back together this time will be a success.  I mean, we do love each other so very much. I know I adore him.  I want to be with him more than ever, and when I realized that - it was so weird, a strange feeling came over me.  I realized that I was just a big idiot about everything that happened.  I am really going to try this time. I am going to do right, and I am not going to be anything but good.  I mean, sure before I was good, but now I'm going to be better.  I was hurt, and I retaliated and I am very sorry.

Starting Over

Written October 9, 2002

Starting Over                                      - 10/9/2002

I'm going to try to start anew today, and hopefully I will be able to do just that.  I am hoping that by starting a new diary I can actually write what I feel without worrying about what someone who knows me might think of me. 

There are a lot of things about myself that I have not liked for a long time, and I am now and have been trying to get a handle on those things.  There have been obstacles in my path which seemed to me to be preventing me from actually getting on with what I needed to do.  People, actually, who were standing in my way. 

While I am not perfect by any means, I know that I am not the most awful person in the world either.  I try to do good and I try not to hurt people.  I try to be nice and make everyone's day a little bit brighter somehow.  And I go about my own business, really trying not to stir up any trouble; however, it's not as easy as one might thing sometimes.  I don't intend on bringing drama into my life, but somehow it always manages to show up, just when I don't want it or need it. 

Some of the things that happen, I believe are indeed self-inflicted.  I also think that I think way too much, and I think myself into a frenzy, a panic, or something of the sort when the real issue is really nothing at all.  There are things that I haven't been able to be honest about in my life and carrying around the guilt- not feeling right about it, just hurts me so much sometimes, and I take it out on the wrong people at the wrong time sometimes. 

I am not perfect.  I'm human.  I make mistakes just like everyone else in the world.  I get up everyday, hoping that today will be a little better than the one before in some small way.  I get up and try to face the world- just like everyone else.  So I don't quite understand why I feel so different sometimes.  I don't quite understand why I want to be more than I can possibly ever be.  I want to understand why in the world I don't understand things.  I know that you have to have faith.  I understand that.  I truly do.  I know that sometimes what goes around does indeed come around.  I understand that I eventually will reap what I have sewn. I do try so hard to be a good person though. 

Sometimes I just don't understand why things like this happen to me, but I know that it's all because I'm probably just really crazy or something.  I don't think I am, because from what I hear, if you think you're insane then that's one thing that makes you sane.  Of course nobody who is actually insane would ever think they were. I know that for a fact.  Those types of people don't think anything is wrong with them.  That is wild.  It's actually normal people who feel so strange, I guess.  It's actually normal people who always think they're somehow different from everyone else.  If you don't question yourself, if you don't dig deeper, if you don't try to understand what makes you tick, what inspires you, what really makes you feel alive, what you really want, what you really feel - if you don't do that then there is something wrong with you probably; because those types of people don't change or grow.  Those are the types of people who only change/think/grow when something happens to them.  When some event happens.  Something that really disrupts their lives.  Something that makes them feel something. 

It's so strange how life sometimes works out.  I don't understand anything about it really.  I question everything about myself to the point of completely second-guessing myself.  At one time I thought I wanted something that it turned out I really did not want.  Because I constantly second-guessed myself.  If only I'd listened to my heart instead of my idiot head.