The Yellow Wallpaper

Written October 9, 2002

Yellow Wallpaper                                   - 10/9/2002

The idea that sometimes things just don't work out as you want them to, isn't the greatest thing in the world to have happen to you.  It can be something that's actually really hard to deal with.   I don't know what I’ve done in my life, and I don't understand all the problems that I've caused.  I care a lot for people, and I try hard to be what they want, not myself.  And in the process of doing so, I've hurt a lot of people, I believe.  That's not a good thing - that is for sure.  It's not easy to be someone who has gone for so long trying NOT to hurt someone to being the one who is causing another person pain.  It really hurts me when I hurt someone - especially really emotionally.  And here lately, I've done a lot of hurting - for myself, and for other people.  That's not a good thing either.  The fact that I try to take on way more than I can possibly handle is not a good thing.  The fact that I am a perfectionist is not a good thing.   I don't understand why I do the things that I do.  I don't really know why these things seem to have a fantastic way of working out for me.  I am not sure if I will ever really understand either.  I mean, I think too much as it is.  If I sit around and ponder all the profound questions in the world, I might just think myself into insanity.  It's like the story "The Yellow Wallpaper". I forget who wrote it, and am too lazy to get up to go look, but anyone who had to take any literature in college probably had to read it at some point.  For some reason that story truly spoke to me.  It was so wild.  It was about this woman who was, as it seemed, going thru a post-partum/depression.  They locked her in her bedroom for most all of the day and she was there all the time.  As time went on she began to look at the wallpaper and she'd think about it all the time, until she was convinced some woman was trapped in the paper and couldn't get out.  And one day she started to rip the paper down - to free the woman.  It was a weird story - that's for sure, but not very long (for the non-fans of reading).  There's always a bright side, right?  Anyway, I had to write this whole paper on a story and I picked that one.  I actually did a really good job on the paper.  But my take on it was that the woman wasn't insane and the paper didn't drive her insane, but because she had nothing to do all the time, all she had to do was think... She started to think until she'd convinced herself of things, because she just was trapped with herself 24 hours a day, and the woman she thought was in the paper was really herself.  When you have nothing else to do but think - your own brain will drive you crazy.  I truly do believe that.  That is a fear I have for myself.  That I will drive myself crazy.  That's a weird fear to have too.   What is that saying...idle hands are the devil's workshop...?  I have 100,000 quotes and semi-mantras to give inspiration to others.  Sometimes it's hard for me to inspire myself, but sometimes I actually am capable of doing it.  Sometimes I just think I'm the strangest person in the world.

Starting Over

Written October 9, 2002

Starting Over                                      - 10/9/2002

I'm going to try to start anew today, and hopefully I will be able to do just that.  I am hoping that by starting a new diary I can actually write what I feel without worrying about what someone who knows me might think of me. 

There are a lot of things about myself that I have not liked for a long time, and I am now and have been trying to get a handle on those things.  There have been obstacles in my path which seemed to me to be preventing me from actually getting on with what I needed to do.  People, actually, who were standing in my way. 

While I am not perfect by any means, I know that I am not the most awful person in the world either.  I try to do good and I try not to hurt people.  I try to be nice and make everyone's day a little bit brighter somehow.  And I go about my own business, really trying not to stir up any trouble; however, it's not as easy as one might thing sometimes.  I don't intend on bringing drama into my life, but somehow it always manages to show up, just when I don't want it or need it. 

Some of the things that happen, I believe are indeed self-inflicted.  I also think that I think way too much, and I think myself into a frenzy, a panic, or something of the sort when the real issue is really nothing at all.  There are things that I haven't been able to be honest about in my life and carrying around the guilt- not feeling right about it, just hurts me so much sometimes, and I take it out on the wrong people at the wrong time sometimes. 

I am not perfect.  I'm human.  I make mistakes just like everyone else in the world.  I get up everyday, hoping that today will be a little better than the one before in some small way.  I get up and try to face the world- just like everyone else.  So I don't quite understand why I feel so different sometimes.  I don't quite understand why I want to be more than I can possibly ever be.  I want to understand why in the world I don't understand things.  I know that you have to have faith.  I understand that.  I truly do.  I know that sometimes what goes around does indeed come around.  I understand that I eventually will reap what I have sewn. I do try so hard to be a good person though. 

Sometimes I just don't understand why things like this happen to me, but I know that it's all because I'm probably just really crazy or something.  I don't think I am, because from what I hear, if you think you're insane then that's one thing that makes you sane.  Of course nobody who is actually insane would ever think they were. I know that for a fact.  Those types of people don't think anything is wrong with them.  That is wild.  It's actually normal people who feel so strange, I guess.  It's actually normal people who always think they're somehow different from everyone else.  If you don't question yourself, if you don't dig deeper, if you don't try to understand what makes you tick, what inspires you, what really makes you feel alive, what you really want, what you really feel - if you don't do that then there is something wrong with you probably; because those types of people don't change or grow.  Those are the types of people who only change/think/grow when something happens to them.  When some event happens.  Something that really disrupts their lives.  Something that makes them feel something. 

It's so strange how life sometimes works out.  I don't understand anything about it really.  I question everything about myself to the point of completely second-guessing myself.  At one time I thought I wanted something that it turned out I really did not want.  Because I constantly second-guessed myself.  If only I'd listened to my heart instead of my idiot head.

Who Am I anyway?

Note the date this was written: 10/9/2002

Who am I anyway?

Who am I anyway???                                 - 10/9/2002

Some more info about me....

Name: Jodi

Significant Other: Yes

Birthday: October 15

Zodiac Sign: Libra

Ethnic Heritage: Dutch, English, Indian

Are You Into Paganism or Witchcraft?: I read some Sylvia Browne books...She's supposedly a psychic.

Hair Color: Red

Long Or Short?: Short (well, medium, kind of)

Curly Or Straight?: Wavy

Do You Have A Fringe {Bangs}? No.

Eye Color: Brown

Height:  5'6"

Favorite Gem{s}: Diamond, Tanzanite, Opal, Ruby

Favorite Animal{s}: Dogs

Favorite Mystical Creature[s}: Unicorn

Favorite Color{s}: Blue, Purple

Favorite Historical Era{s}: Ancient Roman times

Favorite Style{s} Or Era{s} For Clothing: The 60's

Favorite Countries: USA, Italy, France

Gold Or Silver?: Silver

Favorite Author{s}: John Grisham, Belva Plain

Favorite Films}: THE GODFATHER, Exit Wounds, Fast and the Furious

Favorite Type Of Music: Rock

Coffee {Hot, Iced Or Not At All?}: Not at all.  Yuck.

Tea {Hot Or Iced? Herbal? Not at All?}: Sweet and Iced

Favorite Food{s}: Italian, Mexican, and Southern Home-Cooking (which I am good at)

Favorite Material{s}~{For Clothing}: Cotton or Satin

Candles, Incense Or Both?: Candles preferably

NightOwl Or MorningGlory {Night Or Day Person?}: Night Owl

What Are Your Passions & Hobbies?: Learning, animals, justice, reading, watching TV, cooking, writing

Favorite Flower{s}: Lily, Rose

Favorite Scent{s}: Happiness, Love, and Peace by Bath and Body Works; and SO de la Renta by Oscar de la Renta

Favorite Holiday{s}: Christmas

Which Element{s} Do You Feel Closest To? Earth, Air, Fire, Water?}: Water

Favorite Season: Spring

Favorite Time Of Day: Around 2:00am or Sunrise

Favorite Place In Nature: The Rocky Mountains (Aspen to be exact)

Thunderstorms ~ Cool Or Creepy? Cool

Toe Rings ~ Cute Or Painful?: Cute, I love mine.

Tattoos And Piercings? 2 tattos, ears pierced

Describe Them If You Have Them?: Orange, red & yellow sun on my upper right thigh; blue-green daisy on my left front hip

Describe Yourself In 10 Words: Caring, intelligent, empathetic, loving, passionate, funny, creative, friendly, sweet, and thoughtful ;)

What Is {Are} Your Biggest Vanity{ies}: Looking in the mirror? If the question is what do I think is good about me - my LEGS and my SMILE ;)

What Is Your Greatest Talent?: Writing and helping others

Describe Your *Personal Style* {I.E. Casual, Preppy, Goth Etc.}: Casual

Pale Skinned Or Tanned?: Tanned

Do You Collect Anything?: Animals and Crazy Men.  LOL

A Favorite Quote: "Everything happens for a reason"

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